Dissonance

I am feeling dissonance within myself today, and I have been struggling to identify what is truly going on in my mind. There is this static, where my feelings and thoughts jumble. I am a verbal processor, which usually means I need to discuss the same things repeatedly to fully understand them myself. This is my attempt to make sense of it all, in writing. I have found a home in words, and a catharsis in this form of expression. It is intimate, it is from me, to me. If it resonates with you, hopefully this makes you feel less alone. I just needed to put it somewhere.

It feels as if my mind is a labyrinth that I cannot escape. Mixed emotions, conflicting truths and shifts in my self image. The last few months have fundamentally changed me, and I would like to believe this is an evolution. Perhaps my dissonance is, in part, grief. My situation is complex, and as such, the feelings that accompany it are as well. There is love, there is pain, there is letting go of dreams and there is forging new ones. There is found family, and the loss of relationships. There is pride in being the bigger person, in living with integrity and grace. There is the suppressed rage because I know I deserved better. There is the end of cycles, and the potential for growth. There is fear and excitement, there is insecurity and joy. Perhaps my dissonance is less about not knowing and more about my nervous system still adjusting to carrying so many emotional truths side-by-side.

How can one mind bear all of these things at once without slipping into dissonance? It is not a weakness, it is just an overload. I am learning how to decipher my own code, to reorganize and build systems that work. I am recalibrating.. and it is difficult. It is also incredibly worth it. Sitting in these feelings is the only way, they must be embraced and felt fully. The weight of all the pain could have consumed me, and it nearly did. I will never let myself get to that point again. So for now, I will separate my thoughts and file them. I will rebuild myself and forge a new path.