I am Afraid

I am apprehensive of how today will go. I know in my mind that I am safe, I am surrounded by those who will stand beside me if I need it. And yet, this fear has me in a choke hold, stealing the breathe from my lungs. I am afraid.

I am afraid of what he might say, of how I will feel within my body in his presence, of the crippling anxiety that may take over. I do not want to shut down, I do not want to crumble.

This was a person I built a life around, who I falsely viewed as a life partner. This is the person that threw me away like garbage and recent revelations have opened my eyes to the abundance of lies I was living within. This is the person who taught me most about abandonment. And I am afraid.

There is no love left in my heart for him. I am afraid of how I will show up, that the anger deep in my bones will boil. I am afraid to become a volcano, erupting with volatility, with burning rage. I do not know how to feel my anger without the threat of destruction. This is not who I wish to be, I do not want to make a home in the resentment.

I am afraid because I do not know what is coming, but I will weather the storm regardless. I am fortunate to have those that act as beacons, light houses to help navigate the choppy waters. I will follow that light.